A piece of cheesecake for learashi (1/2)

[futurepm_mod]

Title: Just say you won't let go
Pairing: Sakurai Sho/Matsumoto Jun
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Sho had a dream. Jun was the one living it. They got in a relationship which then fell apart.
Warnings: Barebacking, non-linear timeline (flashbacks), alternating POVs.
Notes: Dear learashi, I took the first prompt on your list and just tried to do my best with it, I hope you can enjoy reading this. Oh also the amount of parts are not because of the length, in case you've expected something longer than 15k because this has two parts ><. Thank you for the mod who had provided me with anything I requested. Thank you for my beta. Thank you for a friend who helped brainstorming the initial idea for this one. Thank you for another friend who nagged me into listening to One OK Rock's latest album, from where I got my inspiration from. Thank you for yet another friend for the support (if keep telling me to drop out of this exchange can be counted as support :p).



Sho looks up at the ceiling above his head. The bed suddenly feels more empty than usual. He just woke up from a strange dream. In that dream, all of his wishes came true, and everyone was happy. In that dream, there was the only person he wants to see after all these years.

In that dream, there was Jun beside him, happily laughing like there was no tomorrow. Jun’s eyes were nothing but thin lines, Jun’s nose scrunched slightly, mouth opened wide, making the most beautiful sound Sho could ever remember. Jun’s shoulders shook as he continued laughing.

They were sitting together in a park where they used to spend their childhood together, only this time, they weren’t kids anymore. Sho was at his age now, and Jun was also a grown up man. A grown up, well-groomed man. It was funny because Sho doesn’t even have an idea how Jun looks like. Well, aside from the occasional photographs he sees in magazines or clips he sees on TV.

It has been years since Sho heard from Jun. It has been years since the last time they talked to each other. It has been years since the night that wrecked their relationship apart. The fact that they had spent almost two decades side by side did nothing in preventing the fallout.

Sho could still remember faintly how they drifted apart from each other. Nights spent together in silence like they were strangers who happened to live in the same house. How he decided that it was probably best to leave, only to see Jun leave him instead.

Sho lifts his hand and puts it on his chest. He strokes his chest slowly, trying to lessen the pain that he feels. He won’t lie: even though he understood that separating was the best decision for them, Sho still feels the pain of losing Jun. No one holds a place in his heart the way Jun does. And he knows for sure that he won’t let anyone get into his heart the way he let Jun in.

The sound of rain outside slowly soothes him as he lets sleep take him once again, hoping that, this time, he won’t see Jun in his dream.

—

Jun held the phone in his hand, gripping it tightly near his chest. His hands were shaking; his eyes were blown. He just got a call that he never thought he would. He had wanted the call to come, honestly, but he didn’t have the courage to actually expect it. Slowly, he pulled his hands from his chest. Looking at the phone worriedly, he keyed in the number he memorized so well.

“Hello?” The answer came immediately like it always did.

“Sho-kun?” Jun called out, his voice shaking.

“Jun? What happened?” Sho replied; worry was evident in his voice.

“I… I just got a call from your agency.”

A moment of silence, then, “What?”

“They said that I should come to practice tomorrow,” Jun added. His voice was no longer shaking, but the tone of his voice still showed his surprise.

“Wait, what? When did you go to audition? You didn’t tell me anything!”

“I didn’t go to audition,” Jun replied, surer this time, gripping the phone in his hand. “I didn’t go to audition, Sho-kun. I only sent in my application two days ago, but they called me to practice anyway. Isn’t that great?”

Another moment of silence. Jun held his breath, waiting for Sho’s answer.

“Yeah, I guess it is. Congratulations, Jun,” Sho finally said.

If there was a hint of bitterness in Sho’s voice mixed with what Jun knew as Sho’s smile over the phone, Jun chose to overlook it.

—

The taxi stops at an intersection. The traffic light is red on its side of the road. Inside, Jun looks up from his script, mistaking the brief stop as them reaching his house. Just when he realizes that they are still one block away from his house, he sees an ad banner on a building just across the street. It shows a photo of a man wearing a suit, leaning on the side of it, smirking just so slightly.

It’s the newest ad banner of the perfume commercial that Sakurai Sho endorses.

Jun looks at the ad for a few seconds, his expression unchanged. He only looks away when the light turns green, and the taxi starts moving again.

He can’t believe that despite them deciding to go their own ways years ago, he still adores Sho just the same way he did when they were kids. Sometimes Jun wishes that he could turn back time and change the foolish decision he made years ago. After all, it was a decision that was made out of spur anger.

Jun sighs at the thought and shakes his head. It’s over. He will probably be a fan of Sho’s work until God-knows-when, but that’s it. Their relationship will never go back to the one they had before, and Jun knows it very well.

After all, even though it wasn’t a decision that he had thought through, it ended up being the best one for the both of them.

—

Sho tightened his grip. Today had been a long day for him, and it seemed like it wouldn’t be over soon. His acting teacher was standing right in front of him, waiting for him to repeat his line for the 37th time. Yes, he remembered how many times he’d read this particular line, yet it seemed that nothing could satisfy his teacher. He had tried with different accents, different intonations, yet nothing worked.

Nakagawa-san, his teacher, raised his eyebrows at Sho, and Sho took one deep breath before reading his line again.

“I’m dropping everything I have. I’ll follow you wherever you go. I—” Nakagawa-san raised his hand, gesturing him to stop.

“Sakurai-kun. How many times have I said it? You have to mean what you say.”

Sho gripped his fist so tight that he could feel it shaking. “You didn’t even wait until I finished that line,” he replied, gritting his teeth. He couldn’t take this. He tried, but how was he supposed to know what to do if his teacher didn’t give him even a slight clue of what to fix or what to improve.

Nakagawa-san shook his head. “I don’t need to hear you say it to know that you really mean it.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?!”

“I’ve told you, you have to mean it. You have to feel it in your heart. You have to feel it and express it like you mean it,” Nakagawa-san shook his head again. “I thought you were smart enough for this, Sakurai-kun. I mean, you got this role without even trying. Now I don’t know what to say to your boss, knowing how terrible you are at this.”

“But you’re my teacher. Aren’t you supposed to give me—” Sho’s sentence was cut by a sound of knocking on the door. Both Sho and Nakagawa-san turned their heads to the door in an instant. It was way past the agency’s rehearsal hour, so no one should have any business to do with any of them or the room.

The knob on the door turned, and then a head showed up from behind it. His eyes scanned the whole room then met Nakagawa-san’s eyes. He jerked up in surprise and blurted an apology before quickly closing the door again.

But Nakagawa-san was faster. “Jun-kun!” He called out. “What are you doing here?”

Jun’s eyes grew big as he pushed the door open and bowed. “I’m sorry, Nakagawa-san! I was waiting for Sho-san.”

“Come in,” Nakagawa-san waved his hand.

Jun bowed once again, apologetically, then walked in and closed the door. “I’m sorry for interrupting your class, Nakagawa-san. I really didn’t mean to.”

Nakagawa-san looked at Jun carefully, and Sho didn’t miss the way Jun’s ears redden on the tip. “What if you try reading this line to show Sakurai-kun here how it’s done.”

Jun raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me, Nakagawa-san. But I really shouldn’t be intruding in your practice.”

“Nonsense. We’ve been doing that for more than one hour without progress, so you’re actually a good distraction.” Nakagawa-san turned his head to Sho, “Give him the script and tell him the lines.”

Sho couldn’t say no to his teacher’s command, so he looked at Jun and waved his hand, calling Jun to come over. Jun walked hastily to Sho’s side. Sho shoved the script under Jun’s nose and told Jun the line he should be reading. Jun read the line audibly, then he looked up to Nakagawa-san and nodded.

“Whenever you’re ready, Jun-kun,” Nakagawa-san told him.

Jun took a step back, then lifted his head to look at Sho. Sho gaped. The look on Jun’s eyes was different from the one he had always seen in Jun’s eyes. The usually shining, cheerful eyes changed into something Sho couldn’t explain. It was strong, but it was also softer in a way. The gleam was still there, underneath something that looked quite close to resolution.

When Jun opened his mouth, Sho swore that his heart stopped.

“I’m dropping everything I have. I’ll follow you wherever you go. I mean it,” Jun paused for a beat. “Sho-san.”

Sho didn’t realize that he held his breath throughout the line Jun just read until he heard Nakagawa-san clapping from his side.

“Now that’s how you do it!” He moved closer to Jun and shook his hand. “I knew you’d be great at this. You’re so natural, unlike this stiff Sakurai-kun here.”

At that time, when Sho glanced at Jun, he had already returned to being the shy, cheerful boy Sho had always known. Nakagawa-san said that Jun should be trying to audition for this role instead, but Jun declined shyly. When he then noticed that Sho had been staring and turned to look at Sho, grinning, Sho didn’t understand the burning feeling in his chest.

A few days later, when the announcement that Sho was removed from the lead role and Jun was appointed as the new one came, Sho understood. It was envy that he felt back then.

—

Sho blinks when he sees the email from his manager. The email contains the detail of his job for next month, nothing new about that. What surprises him is the name that’s listed as one of the guests for his evening show with Ariyoshi-san. It says Matsumoto Jun will be one of the guests.

Sho shakes his head as he furiously types a reply to his manager. His manager knows what happened between him and Jun years ago. Sho remembers precisely that he had instructed his manager to discuss the management about who to invite to his shows, and he’s sure that Jun is definitely on the list of people he doesn’t want to meet on his show.

Not that he wants to be unprofessional or anything, but his and Jun’s fallout was horrible, and Sho wants to avoid any encounter with Jun if possible.

It hasn’t even been two minutes when he gets a reply from his manager. The mail says, “I’ll explain to you later on about this, but basically, his upcoming movie is going to be a big hit and TBS—well and Ariyoshi-san—doesn’t want to miss this opportunity to get a high rating for this one episode. You know Ariyoshi is the god in this show.”

Sho sighs. His manager is right. Ariyoshi-san cares a lot about the rating of the show, and he might even have no idea about Sho’s relationship with Jun anyway. Sho doesn’t want to be unprofessional about his job by asking Ariyoshi-san to let go of this Jun guesting, so he has to deal with it, he guesses.

After all, it will be a short interview, thirty minutes tops. It’s just for work, so Sho thinks that he should be professional enough not to let his own issues interfere. Sho shakes his head. He is professional, what is he thinking about? It must have been because of the dream he had a week ago.

—

The letter came on an ordinary day in spring, just before school started again. Jun had expected it to come, seeing what he had done for the last four months, but still, it came as a surprise.

Jun just arrived home after a long tiring day of rehearsal for his next stage play. The head of the agency said that if he could succeed this one, he’d be able to get any role he wanted for the next drama season. He stated that he’d make sure Jun would get it. That was why Jun had been spending the last month rehearsing, only going home when everyone else begged him to stop and asked to go home.

There was no answer to his greeting when he arrived, but Jun was already used to that. What was unusual was when he went to the kitchen to get a drink before heading to bed, he saw his parents sitting by the dining table.

“You’re home,” Jun’s father said.

Cautiously, Jun walked to the remaining empty chair of the dining table. “Is there anything wrong?”

His parents said nothing, but his father slid an envelope on the table towards him. “This arrived today.”

Jun took the envelope and opened it warily, wondering what could be so important that his parents even waited for him to come home. When he read the paper inside it, he knew. His time was up. He lifted his face to look at his parents’ face, and as expected, they started lecturing him.

His father told him about how they allowed him to join the agency but not for this. They said they weren’t going to compensate for him that he dropped out of school. They said he had to live on his own.

All the while, his mother stayed eerily quiet, not saying even a word, not shedding even a single tear. Jun had expected that since his mother tends not to show any emotion when she’s deeply disappointed. Of anything else, that was probably the thing Jun regretted the most. So while his father still spoke about the importance of school and the likes, Jun stood up and bowed, effectively stopping his father’s speech.

“Then let me live on my own now. I don’t want to be a burden to the both of you. I can do it on my own,” Jun clenched his fists tight as he could feel himself shaking. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t even have a plan. But he didn’t want to see his mother suffer even more.

Jun walked to hug his mother, and then he walked out of the kitchen and to his bedroom, his previous thirst forgotten.

After packing all his necessities in a small traveling bag, Jun walked out of his parents’ house without saying goodbye. He pulled out his phone from his pocket to see the time, then quickly walked to the station as he saw it was nearing the time for the last train.

He arrived at the train on time; the last train hadn’t arrived yet, wouldn’t be for a while. So he keyed a number on his phone, one he had memorized so well, and put his phone near his ear, waiting for the line to connect. It didn’t take long until he heard a greeting from across the line.

“Sho-kun, I’m going to stay at your place if that is okay.”

—

Jun is just going to leave the studio after his photo shoot session for a magazine when his manager shows up at the door.

“Don’t forget tomorrow you have a filming for TBS,” his manager says while taking his coat from the rack, helping him to get ready to leave.

Jun only nods at that. His manager will send the details later anyway. He doesn’t need to worry about it right now.

“I don’t know if you remember, but you’re going to Sakurai-san’s show tomorrow,” his manager adds.

Jun almost jerks his head around at the mention of Sakurai Sho, thankfully he catches himself just on time. His manager doesn’t need to know about his past with Sakurai Sho.

“I don’t, honestly. But thanks for reminding me. Did they send some lines I have to follow for tomorrow?” Jun manages to reply.

His manager shakes his head. “Nah. They said you could just do promotion on your movie. The rest is going to be about the questionnaire you filled the other day.”

Jun blinks his eyes. He doesn’t remember what he filled on whatever questionnaire it was his manager talks about.

—

It wasn’t weird to have dinner in silence for the Sakurai family, and that included the occasional celebration dinner. Sho was grateful that his family would at least say nothing at his 20th birthday dinner, because January 25th also marked the time he rebelled against his family and went to join the talent agency. Sho was fifteen when he joined, so it had been five years since then, but Sho had yet to prove what he once said when he went against his family.

But apparently, his relief couldn’t last for too long.

“It has been five years, hasn’t it?” His father suddenly brought up the topic.

Sho nodded awkwardly, anticipating what his father was going to say.

“So? We still haven’t seen your leading role debut. I thought you went to join a talent agency because you wanted to be an actor,” his father added.

Sho was just about to open his mouth when his sister joined the conversation from the other side of the table. “I watched Jun-kun’s drama yesterday! It was great! How has he been?”

Sho’s parents, sister, and brother, already knew about Sho’s relationship with Jun and that they lived together. Of all things, Sho definitely never thought that his parents would be more okay with their son being gay than joining a talent agency.

“Oh that’s right,” Sho’s father replied. “Didn’t Jun-kun get in the company about one year after you did?”

Sho nodded again. Suddenly, he was reminded of how Jun followed what had been his dream since he was a kid. And how he did a better job instead of him at achieving his dream. Sho suddenly felt a lump in his throat, making swallowing his food difficult.

“Sho-kun,” Sho’s train of thought was stopped when his mother joined the conversation. “If you don’t want to continue working for that agency, it will absolutely be okay.”

Sho sighed. He understood too well what it meant. His mother saying that, giving him a choice, was actually an order for him to quit for real. But Sho couldn’t do it. He was already so close to his dream, and he didn’t want to throw it away just like that.

“Your mother is right,” his father added. “I mean if Jun, who got in one year after you, had starred in two TV dramas and one big screen movie, I think it means you’re just horrible at it. What are you looking for, son?”

Sho took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. He tried to focus more on his food and how to finish it as soon as possible. His family was not going to make him give up.

The fact that it was true that Jun was better at him in the thing he wanted to do the most, however, made Sho more bitter than he thought. Gripping his chopsticks tightly, Sho tried to not think about how Jun had been the one successful when it was his dream. His time just hadn’t come yet, Sho tried to remind himself. It wasn’t Jun’s fault that he kept failing.

A few minutes of awkward silence later, Sho’s brother finally got their father’s attention away from Sho’s (non-existent) acting career. Sho was thankful for that, but he still couldn’t shake off the envy he felt towards Jun thanks to his parents’ comments.

When they finished the dinner, Sho told his family that he couldn’t stay the night. His father didn’t budge. His mother showed a little bit of objection, but she didn’t say anything. Sho took it as his permission to leave.

On his way home, Sho still couldn’t shove the feeling of envy off. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Jun ended up living the life that he once dreamed of. He could usually push the feeling away quickly, but after his father basically mocked him about his non-existent career, he couldn’t do it.

He wondered how he’d face Jun later when he got back to their place. The only thing he hoped was for Jun to already be sleeping when he got there.

A few minutes later, Sho arrived at their apartment. He unlocked the door and closed it behind him, only to be surprised by a body pinning him back to the door, followed by lips pressing to his. Sho was surprised for a moment, before closing his eyes and just drinking in the taste that was Jun. He put his hands on Jun’s back, pulling their bodies closer together, pressing himself demandingly to Jun.

They parted after a few minutes to get some air; Jun pressed his forehead against Sho’s. Panting, Sho blinked a few times before asking, “What are you doing still up at this hour?”

“Waiting for you,” Jun answered shortly, then pulled his face from Sho’s to press kisses to the side of Sho’s face. To his jaw, to the side of his neck.

Sho moaned when Jun mouthed at his vein. He could feel Jun’s lips curved into a smile later. “You didn’t even know that I’d come back here. What if I chose to stay at my parents’ house instead?”

Jun moved upwards, tracing Sho’s neck with kisses, and stopped near Sho’s ear. His next words came as a whisper, directly to Sho’s ear. “You’d call if you did. Besides, I’m sure you don’t want to spend your birthday night without your boyfriend—” Jun paused to lick Sho’s earlobe “—Sho.”

When Jun then bit Sho’s earlobe at the same time as he squeezed Sho’s ass and grinded his crotch against Sho’s, the burning heat of envy that Sho felt before changed to a burning heat of need instead.

—

Apparently, the ‘explaining later’ thing that his manager promised never happened, and here Sho is now, in the briefing before the filming of the episode of his show with Jun as his guest. Sho stares blankly at the papers in his hand. The piece of paper that has what he’s going to say on his show, the questions he’s going to ask, and the answer that Jun has prepared.

“Now let’s move to the next part. On this part, we will ask if Matsumoto-san has something important that he has learned from his experience as an actor. The usual stuff, you see, we will follow up from there,” The AD’s voice brought Sho’s back to the present.

“As usual, this part is one of the best selling points of this show, so we’re going to do our best to get this information out of him.”

Sho tries to get his focus back to the meeting, so he reads what is written on the paper. His guest would usually put a brief answer there, and they’d explain it later on the show. But Jun had only written one sentence as the answer to the question.

‘Real friendship is important.’

—

Jun was packing his photo frames from the top of the cupboard in their bedroom when a voice startled him. He turned around to see Sho standing on the bedroom door.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving,” Jun answered curtly.

“What? Why—we never talked about this before!” Sho moved fast to Jun’s direction and gripped Jun’s wrist hard. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Jun waved his hand to make Sho let go of his grip, but to no avail. He took a shaky breath angrily, and said, “Why should I tell you I’m moving out? You didn’t tell me you left the agency!”

Sho’s grip on his wrist loosened, and Jun took the time to shake it off. Sho looked right into his eyes, hurtful. “How did you know?”

“Did you think I would never know? Just—did you even plan to tell me about it? Ever?” Jun shook his head then continued to pick up his things. This time just randomly, trying not to smash anything at least, because, how could Sho say that?

“No, I mean,” Sho sounded exasperated. Jun didn’t have to look to know that Sho closed his eyes and took a breath to calm himself. “I did plan to tell you, but I haven’t found the time.”

“Of course you can’t find time, Sho-san,” Jun gritted his teeth. He turned his face to see Sho again, and spat the words on Sho’s face, “Because you don’t want to. I am just a burden to you, aren’t I? A childhood friend, no, acquaintance, who ended up stealing your dream and robbing your freedom. You don’t want me here, you never did. So I’m leaving now, that’s what you want anyway, right?”

“Jun, can’t we at least—”

Jun had turned around to grip Sho’s collar and backed him to the wall. “Tell me now, then, Sho-san. Tell me that what I said was completely wrong. Look me in the eyes and tell me that there was no truth in that. Then I’ll stay.”

Jun watched as Sho blinked once, twice, taking a breath through his nose and sighing. He wished that Sho would do it. Would assure him that all he said was all a figment of his imagination and that he had been wrong.

He wanted Sho to tell him that he was wrong and that he should have trusted Sho more. Even though how Sho had treated him all this time showed how right Jun had been, if Sho denied it, Jun was also willing to try keeping their relationship intact.

After all, Sho was the only person he had ever loved so hard. He couldn’t even imagine what he’d do after he leaves Sho. He couldn’t even imagine what his life would be without Sho in it.

Yet after a few seconds that felt like forever for Jun, all he got was Sho dropping his head and saying bitterly, “I’m sorry, Jun.”

Shaking, Jun let go of his grip, making Sho slide on the wall and fall to the floor. He said nothing as he took what was left of his stuff and walked out of the door, leaving his key on the key holder beside the door.

He didn’t plan to go back.

—

Part 2

Comments

[piggywhale.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, oh my god, THIS is what I have always wanted to read from Sakumoto fic but I have never realized. Angsty Sakumoto with Sho being envious of Jun's success and that envy eventually driving their relationship to oblivion. Sho as a real bad guy - a struggling underachieving and weak man who is quite vain and has too much pride. 👍🏼 I am so excited that I have to leave a comment here as soon as I finished just the first half. This is fantastic. I cannot wait to see what is going to happen next (but unfortunately, I will have to wait before I can read the second half because RL happens. Goshhh... I need it now.)

I will come back and leave a proper comment at the end of second half. In the meantime, THANK YOU soooo much for this!!!